On Finding Love Kahit Walang Forever

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Being 27 and childless in a country that has a deniably yet alarming increase of population is probably one of the complex situations a single girl could be in. “When are you getting married? Why aren’t you dating anyone?” or “Girl, ang matres mo, may taning na!” My ears have learned to juggle those words like a pro. Trust me, it’s not always that I choose to be single and choose to not be in a serious relationship. I wake up in the middle of the night and would tell myself “Wow, you’re alone in a big room and you’re getting old with cellulites and dry, puffy hair.” while finding my way to the bathroom and it doesn’t even end there – sitting on a cold toilet bowl is even worse for your half-asleep-half-awake butt contemplating on life like the world’s going to end because you’re still single.

I remember dreaming of a crazy, thirsty, passionate and fuelled with romance kind of a love story with the most handsome guy on the planet when I was 14 – just like a Taylor Swift music video. I have written countless cheesy poems and composed corny lyrics for my future other half. I’ve imagined what my wedding gown would look like and even made the best after-wedding party playlist ever. I was just like the rest of the shrieking fangirls of a perfect love. I have put myself out there, went all out for the man I loved, tried dating sites, kicked my shy self’s ass so I could talk to my crush, lowered my standards, had “an almost relationship”, be as open-minded as possible yet for some reason, I guess I just don’t get the formula right but on my journey to finding my almost perfect prince charming, one thing I have found that I know not everyone gets in their lifetime. I have found true love in finding myself and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. I mean Yes, I agree, being with someone you really like is fun, but you can’t really enjoy that if you don’t love yourself enough to share it with another soul. I think that’s why they call it a soulmate because you share your souls together through a special connection and with that, you should be ready for whatever comes with it.

I guess I’m not totally ready yet and I just couldn’t say that straight to people interrogating my choice of love life because it might come as a selfish choice but I think there’s nothing more selfish than choosing to be in a relationship because you’re afraid of being alone or you put so much pressure on yourself. I’m not ready because there’d be times that I enjoy being alone and rather have my bed all by myself. I enjoy going to the grocery, working out or do errands on my own. I know, sounds like a life of an old woman with cats. I am not ready in emotional and mental aspects of my being with someone else or maybe I just have not met my match whom I can share my temperamental self with yet – maybe not at all. Whatever the reason may be, I know that embracing a selfless love for yourself is one of the greatest love you could have and that’s what matters at the end of the day in a world where almost everything is only temporary.

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