Inspiration In Desperation

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I’ve been contemplating since Thursday on what to post on my blog today – not that I’m assuming that I have a handful of readers (okay, maybe I am but who cares). I just haven’t been inspired lately – with school occupying me the whole week and sidetracking at my part time job as a contributing writer, I just couldn’t afford a minute to pause and be inspired for today’s post.

I tried looking for something everywhere I go that would spark that creative elephant in me – along the grocery aisles, other people’s conversations (no, I wasn’t eavesdropping… Shut up.), at school, my Facebook’s Newsfeed, on Instagram, the food I eat, books, on TV shows, the news, people walking on the streets, buildings, in the bathroom – I swear, everywhere.

So while on my run this early morning, I just didn’t want to give up on looking for any inspiration that maybe I would encounter with. Maybe there was something under the bushes or maybe something would fall off the trees or how about that cute guy that’s going to pass by me. Perhaps he has something, but still, it’s a big fat NONE. Minutes have passed, hours, until the sun has already risen.  While catching my breath, I couldn’t regard the fact that I was still empty of ideas.

I finally sat down (with a wavering white flag as a surrender) to cool off and watch the sun make its entrance for another day just like any other day of the 365 days we get every year – then it hit me.

Why the heck am I putting so much pressure on myself? It’s a nice day and I should just enjoy it and accept that I can’t always be inspired. It is okay to be uninspired sometimes. We don’t get to plant all the seeds and save everyone from being hungry right away. We don’t get to work too hard then be a millionaire the next day. We don’t get to exercise (#beastmode on) and get an instant result. Just like Mister Sun, it takes 11-12 hours for it to do its job for the day, everyday. We just can’t be heroes and save everyone from despair all the time. Some of us put so much pressure on ourselves and drown in our goals that we forget the main reason why we do all the things we ought to do.

Things become tasks, then turn into a hobby, the next thing we know (unawarely), it becomes a routine – dismissing the truth that we are all here to enjoy life moderately. Aristotle has this principle that true happiness is experienced with life in moderation and I couldn’t agree more on that. I guess what I’m trying to point out is, we just can’t be super good as we aim to be all the time and that’s okay because great things take time – just like Albert Einstein, who wasn’t merited the title “genius” in a blink of an eye. He was a slow speaker and only started talking properly at the age of four.

It’s okay that we don’t get to be great sometimes. It’s okay that we feel empty sometimes. It’s okay that we are not always inspired. Let’s take it slow as human beings to enjoy and just learn to appreciate what’s on our plate.

So I’m going to leave you, my good and beautiful readers (ahem), with this to ponder upon, “Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”

izey

Being Naked With Reject

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There was a point in my life where I was dishonest, pretentious and have intentionally hurt people important to me. I wanted to be wanted. I spoke words that my mouth didn’t say, my heart didn’t feel and my head didn’t think. I wanted to be part of something. I wanted to be someone that I was not. I was afraid of being rejected. I was miserable. I fell into a pit that I flawlessly made and it swallowed me without hesitation.

As I was moving on, it made me ponder on what is it with rejection that makes us do things that we are not built to do. I know people who are afraid of doing things they’ve been dying to try. I have read stories of missed great opportunities.  I have friends who are afraid to showcase the best versions of themselves. I have heard dozens of hugot lines from friends who are afraid of letting their emotions be known – these are all because of the fear of rejection.

We are all scared of doing something that would break us, saying words that would disappoint us, but what we fail to see is while we try to avoid getting broken and disappointed, I realized we also end up hurting ourselves and the people we love. So one day, I woke up and got tired of living a life that I single-handedly painted. I widely opened both arms and embraced rejection like a refreshing cold shower after a hot and long day.

While I was mastering the maneuvers to accepting rejections, surprisingly, I have also mastered my way into finding peace with myself. I have learned that what makes us fear some things in life is because we are full of pride. We are scared of being judged. We are afraid of being rejected because it kills our suave ego. We send text messages like, “Hey. How are you doing?” instead of, “Hey. I really miss you. Can we meet and talk over dinner?” or what about blaming others for what was partly our mistake instead of just saying, “I’m truly sorry. How can I make it up to you?” or creeping on your crush’s social media accounts in the middle of the night instead of sending them a message like, “Hi. I find you really cute. Would you mind talking to me?”

What could be worse than doing and saying something we don’t really mean?

It’s rejecting life.

We all need to be braver. We all need to say what we want to say. We all need to repeatedly give ourselves chances. We all need to chew our pride like how we eat our pizza – with so much gusto and hot sauce, please. We all need to learn how to accept rejection in our lives like how some of us magically turned into Beliebers.

I want to be able to speak and do things I want, whether I may regret it or hopefully not, it will be okay because I know I’m living a life that I’m happy of without hurting anyone.

I have promised myself: I’d rather be vulnerable and open than being someone who has lived a life that is full of missed chances, unspoken words, unrequited feelings and skipped experiences. I want to be genuine. I want to be bare. I want to explore what I’m capable of without the guilt and shame. I want to be able to say I’m sorry, I miss you and I love you without sounding desperate or feeling uncomfortable, then apologize for it – being one does not mean I expect the other person to say the same thing or I want something from them. Perhaps, maybe, the other person feels the same way too. Wouldn’t that be a happy ending?

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On Finding Love Kahit Walang Forever

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Being 27 and childless in a country that has a deniably yet alarming increase of population is probably one of the complex situations a single girl could be in. “When are you getting married? Why aren’t you dating anyone?” or “Girl, ang matres mo, may taning na!” My ears have learned to juggle those words like a pro. Trust me, it’s not always that I choose to be single and choose to not be in a serious relationship. I wake up in the middle of the night and would tell myself “Wow, you’re alone in a big room and you’re getting old with cellulites and dry, puffy hair.” while finding my way to the bathroom and it doesn’t even end there – sitting on a cold toilet bowl is even worse for your half-asleep-half-awake butt contemplating on life like the world’s going to end because you’re still single.

I remember dreaming of a crazy, thirsty, passionate and fuelled with romance kind of a love story with the most handsome guy on the planet when I was 14 – just like a Taylor Swift music video. I have written countless cheesy poems and composed corny lyrics for my future other half. I’ve imagined what my wedding gown would look like and even made the best after-wedding party playlist ever. I was just like the rest of the shrieking fangirls of a perfect love. I have put myself out there, went all out for the man I loved, tried dating sites, kicked my shy self’s ass so I could talk to my crush, lowered my standards, had “an almost relationship”, be as open-minded as possible yet for some reason, I guess I just don’t get the formula right but on my journey to finding my almost perfect prince charming, one thing I have found that I know not everyone gets in their lifetime. I have found true love in finding myself and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. I mean Yes, I agree, being with someone you really like is fun, but you can’t really enjoy that if you don’t love yourself enough to share it with another soul. I think that’s why they call it a soulmate because you share your souls together through a special connection and with that, you should be ready for whatever comes with it.

I guess I’m not totally ready yet and I just couldn’t say that straight to people interrogating my choice of love life because it might come as a selfish choice but I think there’s nothing more selfish than choosing to be in a relationship because you’re afraid of being alone or you put so much pressure on yourself. I’m not ready because there’d be times that I enjoy being alone and rather have my bed all by myself. I enjoy going to the grocery, working out or do errands on my own. I know, sounds like a life of an old woman with cats. I am not ready in emotional and mental aspects of my being with someone else or maybe I just have not met my match whom I can share my temperamental self with yet – maybe not at all. Whatever the reason may be, I know that embracing a selfless love for yourself is one of the greatest love you could have and that’s what matters at the end of the day in a world where almost everything is only temporary.

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